If Only

I spent twenty five years of my life looking for my other half. I'll never forget that day we met, the first kiss we shared, or the first whispers of I love you. I'll never forget the days we spent together.

I wished for a better time every night I went to sleep. If only we could go back to those simple times of laughter. I so desperately wanted this to be nothing more than a dream. Fate couldn't do this to us. We needed to be together.

"I'm sorry. There's nothing we can do. It's a miracle he's even still alive." I didn't want to believe what he told me. The doctor's must have made a mistake. They must be talking about someone else. Riku couldn't be dying.

I could hear my footsteps echoing off the walls as I walked to the room I had spent so many months in. Immediately he lifted his heavy head to look at me, letting a smile appear even in such a difficult situation.

"Sora." My legs felt like rubber, not letting me walk in a straight line. But somehow I made it to the young man in the hospital bed, needles stuck in his arms and wired to a machine that kept his heart rate steady.

"Hi, Riku. How are you feeling?" I tried my best to put on a smile, was it for his sake? Or mine?

"Did the doctor's tell you?" I bit my lip the slightest bit. Did they really tell him? Did they tell a twenty seven year old that he was dying? Dying of cancer no less.

"But it's okay. You're gonna be fine." I spread out some of the wrinkles on his blanket that was covering him. He was going to be fine, he had to be. There shouldn't be anything wrong with him. There is nothing wrong with him.

"Sora… You know that my time here is finished." I felt the tears sting my eyes. That sting that I came to accustomed to. The tears that were too familiar to me. But he was lying. He still had so many years left. He wasn't going to die.

"Riku, what are you talking about? There's nothing…" The tears had gathered together and trickled over my bottom eyelid, running down my cheeks. I forced my eyes closed and gripped the sheets under my fingers, feeling the fabric that was woven together. I realized that this was not a dream. The reality was… Riku was going to leave me.

I could feel his hand slide on to my tear stained cheek, lifting my chin in his direction. That cold hand that used to be so warm. That hand that used to hold me so close, but the strength it once had was gone. My eyes slid open the slightest bit, seeing his image blurry from my tears.

"No. No, please." I ran my hand over his, feeling every curve and bone. I remembered all the times we spent together. But those memories weren't more important than him. I'd give them up at any moment to keep him by my side.

"Sora… this will be our goodbye." There was pain in my chest, pain running through my whole body, throwing my mind blank. I couldn't register what he was saying. He couldn't say something like that.

"Riku… Just stay with me. Just… We can go back to all those happy memories. Remember, Riku?" My vision cleared for a moment, allowing me to see that smile on his face. That sweet smile that gave me reason to live. He couldn't take that away from me.

"We can't go back anymore. Everything's changed. Now you've got to be strong, Sora. Where is that brave Sora I know so much?" My body quivered under his touch, more tears flooding my red eyes. I can't be brave anymore. I can't even live anymore.

"I can't. I can't without you. I need you. So please… don't leave me." I watched the blanket around him slowly rising and falling with his shallow breath. I could hear his heart beat from the machine to my left, his slow fragile heart beat.

"Sora, the time we've spent together has showed me how much good there actually is. Don't lose yourself, ever. I love you, like I always have. Like I always will." The strength in his hand that was against my cheek, lessened and the only thing that could hold it up anymore was my own hand.

"How can I survive without you? I love you so much." I squeezed his hand, if only he could see that I needed him he would be alright.

"Sora, thank you for everything. However, it's my time. But I'll wait for you… I'll always wait for you." I stared deep into his emotionless eyes. I could see the death consuming his soul, taking him away from me. His eyes had no life left in them, only endless black.

There was a ray of light that suddenly filled the room from the open window. It highlighted his slim cheeks, and arms. He looked so unhealthy, with his missing hair, and lost body fat. How could someone I had held close not long ago be dying right in front of me now?

I felt his hand go completely limp, his black eyes were covered as his eyelids slowly slid close. I could feel a small radiance of warmth from his hand that was pressed against my cheek.

But that warmth was ever so slowly fading away, withdrawing to his cold heart to disappear forever. And everything was silent. There was no more beeping, or breathing, or words.

I gripped on to his hand so tight I could have broken his bones. I wept so hard I thought I would break in two. All I could think of doing was hold him in my arms, giving him the warmth from my body. If we could just switch positions.

A pair of arms pulled me from my boyfriend's lifeless body, as I tried desperately to grab onto him again. He should have taken me with him. I didn't want to be separated from him.

I saw the doctor shake his head with a frown on his face. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Everything was still absolute silence. There were no words, no breathing, or heart beats. There was nothing for me.

Days later the doctors informed me that I had lost my hearing. That part of my brain had shut down when Riku died. It was psychological because of the traumatic event and there was nothing they could do.

But I didn't care. I already knew the reason; I wanted the last thing I heard to be Riku's voice, and I knew my hearing was not going to come back until I died. I didn't need therapy, I didn't need treatment, or closure. I needed Riku.